7 Tips to Master the Art of Disagreement Without Disrespect

When you have a conversation, be it at a family dinner table or at a business round table, there comes a point when views differ. It could be with your 5-year old daughter or the boss who holds your job in his hands. What then? Should you cut losses and back off in the name of maintaining peace? Or should you dig your heels in and hold your ground in the name of standing for what you believe in?

Many people feel stuck with those extremes in the case of a disagreement. As someone who writes about how to handle conflict between parents and kids, I try to model and teach a third option: one that transforms those who do use it into highly skillful communicators and conversationalists. And that is to respectfully disagree.

Here are 7 tips to master the fine art of disagreement without disrespect:

1. Realize that disagreement does not automatically imply disrespect.

At the core of mastering this fine art is the simple understanding that a person’s views or perspectives are not a sign of disrespect to you. When your teen insists on going out with friends you don’t approve of, it's likely not a sign of disrespect, but simply their preference. When your colleague insists on a change that you believe is absurd, it isn’t to rile you up, but because s/he has reasons to believe the change is important.

2. Make respect an uncompromising requirement.

Once you realize that the disagreement is not a personal attack on you, it is time to move forward. To do this, you need to lay some ground rules or (as dialogue practitioners call them) agreements. The most essential is setting the expectation that respect is not something you will compromise on. Whether you are talking to your child or your boss, if tempers are flaring, it’s time to step back. Yelling at kids or your boss is not going to get you anywhere. Take a deep breath to calm down before the discussion can be resumed respectfully.

3. Listen with an open mind before speaking.

We all want our voice to be heard. And this is apparent nowhere more than in a conversation where the two parties disagree. Take the high road. Relinquish the floor and let the other person speak. Screaming or being cut off does not put the other person in the right frame of mind to have an effective conversation. Being heard does. This is true whether the person at the other end is 5 years old or 85 years old.

4. Acknowledge the similarities, then address the differences.

When you listen with an open mind, you notice that no matter how many differences you have, there are always a few similarities or shared concerns. Always begin your end of the conversation by naming these, as they establish a foundation and purpose for the difficult conversation ahead. Once you find yourself on the same page, then start addressing the differences.

5. Don't attack the person.

Remember the first point we talked about? This is about the difference in perspectives and opinions. Focus strictly on these. Do not make it personal. “I have a hard time agreeing with what you say” is a lot easier to stomach than “you are wrong” or “you are so stupid.”

6. Look for win-win solutions.

Acknowledging the similarities and agreeing to move forward respectfully to resolve the differences allows you to come up with solutions that may not have been on the table before. Look for solutions and try to find one that benefits both parties.

7. In the worst case, agree to disagree.

Not all disagreements can be resolved immediately. Some need more time. Other may never be resolved because of enduring differences. In this case, agree to disagree and shake on it. At the end of the day, the people at the other end of the conversation are far more important than proving you are right. Disagreements are a part of everyday life. Learning the fine art of disagreeing without disrespect can make life flow a lot more smoothly.

Sumitha Bhandarkar is the founder of A FineParent.com a site dedicated to avoiding unnecessary conflict between parents and kids, and encouraging positive trust-based relationship. To break out of the nagging/yelling cycle and raise happy, well-adjusted kids, join the A Fine Parent community now and receive their popular 6-part mini-course How to Be a Positive Parent free.