Moving Beyond the Monosyllabic: How to Open a Richer Conversation with Your Family
As much as I miss the summer season, there’s a lot of good in returning to fall’s back to school routine. Mealtimes are regular, childcare’s easier to come by, and everyone’s back in the swing of things. But it’s easy to fall victim to some of the patterns – in particular, communication patterns – as we try to connect in the midst of crazy schedules. I’m thinking of a particularly formidable foe: the careless question and the monosyllabic response.
“How was school?”
“Fine.”
“What did you do after school?”
“Not much.”
As a dad and a practitioner of dialogue, I’ve gathered some pointers for myself that I hang onto for dear life when I hit a wall. Here's what I try to remember to build richer, more connected relationships with my kids.
1. Choose a time and space that works for both of you.
We think a lot at Essential Partners about being architects of conversation, whether in conversation with a conflicted community or at our own dinner table. A lot of that work is about being intentional about time and space. Any space can be good for dialogue, but particularly in our day-to-day relationships, we all have some moments that are more suited than others.
Consider the structural (who is there, how long you have, etc.), environmental (where's everyone at in terms of hunger, tiredness, or crankiness), and even the physical (where you are). Take note of your daily schedule and figure out works best for you. If your kids are eager to talk and excited during the walk home, take advantage. If, like me, the last thing you want to do when you walk in the door is to be accosted with ten questions from your family, ask for a moment to settle in and then find a time later on. Whether it’s when you have dinner, read books, play cards or do homework, be intentional about what works for all of you.
2. Use questions that move the dial beyond the monosyllabic.
How was it [insert: school, soccer, playdates, etc.]?” doesn’t leave a lot of room for nuance. You’re likely to get “good, bad, sucks, etc.” We invite the monosyllabic by the questions that we ask. Asking questions that imply a kind of judgment are also limiting; a post-exam “did you do well?” invites a simple response and one that reflects only the options you've already proscribed. You can’t get frustrated for them answering the question that you've asked…so try something new, even if it feels weird.
How about “Ask me a question from your test today that you think might stump me—let's see if I remember anything from school.” That might begin a conversation that goes beyond judgment and evaluation and lays the foundation for connection and surprise.
3. Be an active partner, not an inquisitor.
Often the dynamic in place with parents and children is one where we’re the inquisitors and they’re on the spot, forced to respond within our framework. But rather than simply interrogate, what if we offered opportunities to respond in other ways beyond answering a question? What if we asked our kids to teach us something new, to introduce us to a comic book they’re into, or perhaps to practice a new skill or hobby together? Resisting the temptation of the “I ask, you respond” dynamic can actually cultivate more organic exchange.
4. Ask for stories.
“Tell me a story about something that made you laugh today at school.” “Who was your favorite teacher today and what did they do?” As a dialogue practitioner, I’ve learned that while people might not like talking about a difficult situation, they love telling stories, particularly that illuminate their own lives, relationships and values. Stories invite reflection, revealing the untapped layers of meaning, ideas, and emotions that a factual question, however well-meaning, just cannot. A story is an invitation for your kids to tell you what they want to be talking about.
5. Tell your own stories.
Conversations with our friends aren’t one-sided; conversations with our kids shouldn’t be, either. We tell our friends stories about what happened to us during the day, what frustrated us or made us laugh, in addition to the nitty-gritty of how we spent our time. Children learn to tell stories and how to have a conversation from the adults they’re closest to, so parents have a tremendous opportunity to model creativity, curiosity, and excitement. Parents are the first front of engagement: our kids learn how to engage with others through engaging first with us. To solicit meaningful stories, we as parents must share our own.
6. Use a structure to ensure everyone is heard.
Sometimes the problem isn’t getting family members to talk, it’s getting them not all to talk at the same time. In dialogue, we’re big fans of the go-around, which allows everyone to listen and be heard without interruption or being derailed. These kinds of structures allow kids of all ages and personality types (and adults, too, for that matter) to express themselves without being run over by those who are quicker or louder in their response.
7. Actually listen.
Sometimes, it’s really hard not to ask out of obligation or impulse. We ask and then get back to thinking about dinner or problems at work. If we ask, we had better be prepared to listen fully. And listening for red flags isn’t really listening either, at least not if the purpose of the conversation is a relationship that is based on openness and authenticity. And kids will know better than to tell you something when you’re listening for red flags, or are so tuned into your own agenda that you’re feigning interest. Asking questions is only half the equation; it’s critical to listen and respond with the same thoughtfulness you're hoping your kids to demonstrate.
8. Don’t just accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative.
While reflecting on high points or favorite moments is important, you’re missing a lot if you only ask what went well. We can talk about high points while embracing mistakes or disappointments, and exploring together what went wrong. Conversations that acknowledge both the peaks and the pitfalls normalize difficult feelings and situations. If we're willing to dig deeper, they also often illuminate a much more complex emotional inner life within our kids than we may have assumed. That's why at my house, we talk about our “rose and thorn” at the end of the day, and on the way to school we talk about our “wish and our worry."
These are the touchstones I return to when I am stuck in a rut with my kids. How do you engage your children in richer conversations? What are your tips and what questions do you use? Share and let’s make all our conversations a little more connected and meaningful.
