Well, That Was Awkward.

“How was soccer practice?” I asked my son as he climbed into the car—my usual question when I pick him up. “Hmmmph” is how I think you would spell the sound that came from the backseat, where all I saw was shrugged shoulders and a grumpy stare out the car window.

“Want to talk about it?” I tried again. “Gah! Why are you always pressuring me to talk? Can we just go home?” Hmph, indeed.

My 12 year-old son has been quite a talker most of his life. The tides of adolescence are beginning to shift that quality in him, mystifying those of us who are used to the chatterbox who rarely has an unspoken thought.

Parents of teenagers are not the only ones facing the challenges of a recalcitrant conversation partner. How can we stay engaged when the conversation has turned chilly, or when we realize we’ve unknowingly shut things down, rather than opening the conversation?

Here's what I’ve learned as a parent and a facilitator about how to approach a conversation with someone reluctant to engage. Context matters tremendously here, so there isn’t a simple checklist, but hopefully these tips will help you avoid a flurry of those dreaded "hmph" moments.

1. Know Thyself

Get clear about your own intentions for the communication.

Often, resistance to talking comes from an assumed intent that isn’t true. Start by stating your hope for the conversation or your reason for reaching out; that kind of clear and honest opening can help unlock some of those assumptions and dispel some anxiety.

It’s important to check your own agenda when entering a conversation. When we are trying to persuade or pressure, we are unlikely to be able to tune in to what is happening with the other person, and are more likely to say the thing that will push away rather than invite in.

If you are starting a conversation to ease tension you feel with someone about a particular interaction, you may not get far (nor should you). You may just want to smooth things over, but be aware that the person you want to talk with may have a different need or way of handling the situation. If you made a gaffe, the person who was injured by your comment is not responsible for making you feel less awkward about it or understand it, at least not in the moment.

2. Name What You Notice… With Compassion

“I can see you’re upset. Would it be better to talk later?”

“I want to be sure I understand what is happening. What other ways might we talk about this?”

“I worry that something in what I said upset you, which I didn’t intend. Is there something you’d like me to know?”

3. Offer an Experience of Your Own

Making yourself vulnerable first can make it easier for someone else to share.

It could be a time when you were in a similar situation to what you think they are in, or a time when you didn’t want to talk. A story can show that you understand and acknowledge the topic at hand is hard to talk about.

4. Prepare Yourself for Whatever Response You Invite

If you are pursuing the conversation with someone who is giving signals of not wanting to talk, you should be ready to deal with a wide range of responses. People have different emotional and intellectual processing speeds as well as different comfort levels with conflict.

Sometimes we become recalcitrant because we are afraid of what we will say in the heat of the moment. Sometimes it’s because we have an unexpected emotional response we haven’t had time to plumb the source of. Pushing for a conversation with someone who wants to hold back often means you’ll get their unedited response; be ready to hear and hold what they have to say, preferably without escalating things.

It’s okay to leave yourself some time and space to process, too, particularly if the conversation has taken a turn towards the emotional: “Thanks for sharing that with me. I can tell it was hard to say. I need some time to think about that/take it in.”

5. It's OK to Wait

Knowing when to invite conversation and when to embrace the simple gifts of presence and silence is a true art, and it’s different for every person—from beleaguered teenagers to spouses to colleagues. Sometimes the best gift we can offer is sticking with someone through silence or not wanting to talk, simply being present, open, and ready for conversation…whenever it happens.